Tuesday, December 28, 2010

My Gummi Bears

So we had ultrasound #2 today, and it went great. My little guys look like little gummi bears. It was so cool to see how much they had changed from two weeks ago. They were measuring the exact same at 8.2 weeks (I am 8.3 weeks pregnant), and they had the had the exact same heart rate at 176 bpm. I go back in two more weeks for another ultrasound. It was so exciting for running guy and me to see them in there doing great. I try not to worry because of CCRMs super low miscarriage rate, but it is always in the back of my mind. The ultrasound tech was awesome. She took tons of pictures and was so excited for us. She said she has a special spot in her heart for twins because she has so many in her family. Baby A's yolk sack looked like a halo above it's head, and Baby B's yolk sack looked like a balloon floating around. It was too cute.

In other good news, today was the first day of only two endometriums and 2 vivelle patches. Yippee! Also, I lost an earring that I really loved last week, and I knew that I could never replace it because I got it at Target in April or May of this year. Much to my surprise there was one pair left in Target. I was so happy. They are such cheap earrings, but everyone raves about them and I absolutely adore them.

I would post pictures of my little gummies, but I don't have a digital copy and I tried to take a picture of them and it didn't turn out. I am utterly in awe that all of this is working out. I am so glad that I went to CCRM and wish that I would have traveled there a long time ago!

Monday, December 27, 2010


I can't believe that 21 is my new progesterone level. I am down to three endometrium inserts a day, and tomorrow I go down to two. Despite my initial progesterone drama, I am finally taking off. For those of you that are reading this and are stressed about progesterone levels, this just show that things can be ok even with low initial levels and spotting caused by those stupid inserts. The day before my initial beta my level was 5.3. I hovered in the single digits forever, and just last week I got into the double digits. I also only have to put on two patches tomorrow because my estradiol has been staying strong in the one thousands.

So tomorrow I need a little more good news. I go for ultrasound number two. I am still hoping and praying we see two little heartbeats and have appropriate growth for both babies.

Thanks all for the support on my lack of nausea. I still don't feel sick, but I am trying to enjoy it. It is a blessing because my poor friend who is a week further along than I am is struggling with bouts of nausea and I feel very bad for her.

Monday, December 20, 2010

I Should Be Happy But I Wish I Were Barfing

This is something I would never in a million years dream I would be saying: I wish I was barfing or feeling like barfing. Or even just nauseated, gagging at things, sligthly green, but alas I am none of those things. Don't get me wrong, I am extremely happy to be pregnant and to be pregnant with twins, but something is causing me concern - lack of nausea. Sure I have waves here and there, but nothing that is too severe. I would think that with twins I would be sick as a dog. Maybe it's coming. Today I am 7.2 weeks pregnant. I do have other symptoms such as fatigue, peeing in the middle night, and some pretty great looking breast (I have dreamed about breasts like these). So I'm just hoping everything is ok. I am totally fine not being deatlhy ill as long as everything is ok.

We go for our next ultrasound on the 28th. I'm hoping my little raspberries (that's how big they are now) are growing and doing fine. Has anyone else been pregnant with twins and felt pretty good? I just find this odd.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

A Lifetime Movie

*loss and pregnancy mentioned

Two Mays ago running guy and I experienced what I like to call a bad Lifetime Movie. Picture it, the nice couple is anxiously awaiting their first ultrasound. The wife got pregnant on the very first iui try. Her betas doubled and now it's the day of the ultrasound. She is in the stirrups and the nurse practitioner begins the ultrasound. But wait she can't find anything. No sack, no heartbeat nothing. She seems puzzled. The couple exchanges worried looks. What's happening! Then the nurse practitioner finds the heartbeat beating away at the very bottom of the fallopian tube. Had it been a millimeter further along it would have been in the uterus. The heartbeat continues to beat. The nurse practitioner can't turn the machine off and their the couples sits, dumfounded. There is a nice strong heartbeat, but they know that emergency surgery is soon to follow and what the end result will be.

Fortunately, today's ultrasound was also like a Lifetime movie, but a happy one. This time the nice couple sat there and immediately the ob saw the sacs. She zoomed in on the first one and it had a heartbeat of 111 and was measuring 6.1. She zoomed in on the second one and at first didn't see a heartbeat but then zoomed out and saw a nice heartbeat of 118 and it was measuring at 6.1. Such a happier Lifetime movie.

So anyway now I wait for CCRMs take on my results. I wonder if they will be concerned because I should be measuring at 6.3. I think maybe the prednisone could have something to do with it. Also, I am hoping my progesterone, tsh, and estradiol are doing ok. Running guy and I are very happy with the results and my ob seemed to be as well. My ob said I could come back anytime for an ultrasound. She is awesome. I'm hoping that CCRM is as happy with my results as she was.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Not Active Girl

During this process I have gone from running girl, to walking girl, to not active girl. This morning running guy left for spin class. A good sweat sounded like fun. I hate spin class all throughout it and can't wait to get off the bike, but when I am done the feeling is awesome. Such a good workout. I'm waiting until after an ultrasound or two to resume activity. I'm picturing myself as walking girl, prenatal yoga girl, or aqua aerobics girl. Anything will be nice.

I'm already planning for my next marathon. It's going to be tight to get one in in 2011 (my goal is to run one a year until I'm sixty), but I think I can pull it off. Granted my time is not going to be good, but I think I will be able to finish it. My eyes are set on the Las Vegas Marathon in December 2011. I'm already starting to talk about it now, so I am mentally prepared for the challenges that will face me. I have told running guy my plan and he thinks it is doable, but it will takes some coordination and planning on both of our parts. We will have to see how next year unfolds....

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

The Rules Are Different

As I mentioned my good friend just found out she was pregnant a few days before I did, and it has been fun sharing these past few weeks together. Hopefully, we will both be sharing many more weeks together - both of us pregnant. She by far is much more of a worrier in life than I am. I'm not a huge worrier. However this is not the case with this whole pregnancy thing. It's her second rodeo, so she is much more laid back. Plus she is the kind that decides she wants to get pregnant one month and ends up pregnant. So needless to say, she knows what to expect and doesn't sweat the small stuff.

Me on the other hand I am a bit more of a worrier. Partly it's because if this doesn't work it's not like I can go to the bedroom and lay down and have my husband root around for a few minutes and then magically I'm pregnant (that was a bad description of sex,but you get the picture). It's a whole process to go through if this doesn't work. Patches, bcp, lupron, etc. It takes months. Not to mention getting laid at home is free, but getting knocked up at CCRM takes some cash.

So I have a special set of rules and can't do things that normal pregnant women do. Today at lunch I offered my Olive Garden mint to my pregnant friend and non pregnant friend because I told them I didn't wish to consume that much caffeine today. I was going to have an afternoon decaf Starbucks and that has 5 mg of caffeine. They rolled their eyes; they are use to me being a bit over the top, and we all laughed. Even though I was half kidding I was half serious about it to. I'm hoping that I begin to loosen up as the time passes. Maybe after the ultrasound? For now I am sticking to the rules in my CCRM pregnancy letter to a t.

In other news, my progesterone is now at 7 and my estradiol is 1007. They seem to be happy with this. I tried to discuss switching to pio because this endometrium stuff is the pits (scary bleeding, low progesterone levels, etc), but they want me to stay on it another week. I know the pio has really helped LisaSK (a blogger friend), but they really want me to stay with the endometrium for another week. BTW Lisa, I feel like we are living parallel lives. Everything that happens to you with progesterone, estradiol, spotting, etc happens to me a short time later. So glad you share your experiences because they have been a big help to me going through all of this.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Be Anxious About Nothing

I find myself saying Phillippians 4:6 at various times in my head during this entire process. The verse says: "Do not be anxious about anything but in everything by prayer and petition with thanksgiving present your request to GOD. And the peace of GOD which transcends all understanding will guard your heart and mind in CHRIST JESUS.". It's so hard not to be anxious in the process. There are days when I don't feel pregnant. There are days when I'm afraid that maybe I'm having a miscarriage. There are days like today when everything is going great and then that horrible thing called spotting occurs. So scary. My progesterone came back low again. It's at 5.3. My estradiol dropped into the 1,000s. All of the numbers are still in the normal range but the progesterone is low. Don't be anxious...

So tonight I am switching to taking my estrace orally. Apparently they think that my who ha is being overloaded with stuff and is not absorbing things the way it should. Hence why I am taking the estrace orally now rather than vaginally. We will retest on Wednesday. I'm hoping everything is okay.

I just have to remember not to be anxious about anything even when that seems impossible and pray for peace otherwise this is going to be a long nine months!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

PInching Myself

I still can't believe this good news is happening to me. I'm worried that it is going to some how come to an end. I really want to be all out excited and start making plans, but know that it is much too soon to allow my excitement to get out of control. My ultrasound is scheduled for December 14th at 1:00 PM. We are so hoping we see a heartbeat or heartbeats. Either way is good with us.

My good friend told me on Sunday that she is pregnant (she is probably 5 days ahead of me). She wanted to wait until I got my beta and everything before she told me. I'm super excited for her. This will be her second. We are hoping that both of our pregnancies work out because it would be kind of fun to be pregnant together. We even go to the same obgyn and our ultrasound is on the same day. So hoping for good news for the both of us!

Monday, November 29, 2010


I can't believe it! My second beta nearly tripled. It went from 412 to 1222. I am so happy. I didn't get the results until 8 pm. I think Quest sent them to the wrong place. I was really starting to sweat it. Dr Surrey called to congratulate me on my first beta. My nurse was also awesome and worked really hard calling the lab to get me my results tonight. I really appreciate her extra effort.

In other good news my progesterone went up to 6.9 and my estradiol was 2032. Now I get to schedule at ultrasound. I seriously can't believe this is happening. Praying for no more bleeding or scary things for awhile.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Spotting and Beta News

So I talked to a nurse and they think the bleeding is just my cervix being irritated by the inserts. I feel a little bit better about that plus it stopped for now. My estradiol and progesterone were not back yet, so I will have to get the results tomorrow. I am staying on 4 endometrium today and they don't seem alarmed by my 5.2.

In beta news, I was shocked to hear it was 412! Hoping and praying it doubles appropriately on Monday. I laughed when running guy said remember this is like a marathon and we need to take it mile by mile. I guess that's why we are married because we think alike on that stuff.

Houston We Have A Progesterone Problem

For the past few days I have been feeling happy and hopeful. Each day I have taken the good old HPT and the line is gradually darker. Then disaster struck. I was getting ready to go into the Radio City Rockettes show with my family (which was fabulous) when I got a call from CCRM saying my progesterone was too low. I had it tested a day before my beta because I was having trouble getting stat results so my nurse and I decided I should do it a day early. Anyway it was 5.2. She said they like it above 6 so I need to take 4 Endometrium. Ok I thought no big deal.

As I am putting in the 4th and final endometrium for the night I notice TMI bright red blood on the insert. Not good! So then I begin researching on the internet (not a good thing to do) and find that AF shows up when progesterone is between 2-4. So now I am really worried because I am almost at 4!

I woke up this morning and more of the same on the insert and when I went to the bathroom. It seems to have changed colors now to TMI brownish. I don't think this is a good sign.

I did my beta, progesterone and estradiol this morning and am awaiting the results. I don't really know what to think. I've called the emergency line and am waiting for a call back to see if I can also take progesterone in oil. I have some handy in the house. It's so frustrating because things were going so well and then this! I am expecting the worse, but I am hoping for the best.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Just Pee and See

So I couldn't resist. I had to do it. The thought of going to bed knowing that I was going to wake up in the morning and POAS was just too much. I don't think I would have slept that great. So I decided to just pee and see. What did I see? I saw two lines starring at me!

Now I am cautiously optimistic. I know that this could still turn out badly, but at least I am hopeful. At least I see two lines. I'm now praying for a strong beta on Saturday. Thank you girls for all of your support and well wishes. I feel like I have passed one hurdle, but now I have a bunch more to clear in this race.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Choose Your Own Adventure

I used to love the Choose Your Own Adventure books. You would get to pick which way you wanted the story to go and from there the story would unfold. If you didn't like the way the story was going, you could back up and choose a different path to see if it turned out any better. What's my adventure? Well Thanksgiving morning with be 7dp6dt, and I will POAS. There are two possibilities. I know which adventure I would choose and am hoping my body picks the same one!

Monday, November 22, 2010

I'm Pregnant, I'm Pregnant Not

Remember as young girls we would take the petals off a flower and say he loves me he loves me not. The last petal was always the correct answer. That's kind of how I feel during this waiting period. I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant not. It could go either way. From a logical perspective it seems almost impossible to fail. The facts are that my uterine lining was somewhere between 8 and 10, I transfered two genetically normal embryos, they were high grades a 6aa and a 5ab, one was hatched and the other was hatching, my tsh is at an all time low of 1, and I was super relaxed and even rode in a wheelchair at the airport (which I highly recommend - so much less stressful than walking all over the Denver airport). As we know logic doesn't always play a part in this infertility journey. What should happen doesn't always happen. I have never had a bad cycle. Doctors always say that it will work and then it never does, so from that perspective I question could this work.

I will have a preliminary answer soon enough. On Thursday, I will POAS and then Saturday is my beta. Hoping that the answer is pregnant rather than pregnant not.

Friday, November 19, 2010


Perfect is really the only word that I can use to describe how yesterday's transfer went. There was a little confusion with the acupuncture scheduling but it got worked out. The acupuncture and Valium combo made for my most relaxing transfer ever.

I was amazed at the contraption that the embryos were transported in. It was essentially an incubator. The care and pride they took when handling the embryos was beyond expectation. I had to chuckle when I saw it because at home essentially the embryology just carried the embryos in the room in the tube and handed them to the doctor.

The embryos were lovely; I am a little biased though. One was hatched and one was hatching. They had fully survived the thaw and were expanding. Dr Surrey said that they couldn't have looked any better. Now I just need them to stick. I will poas on Thanksgiving and then my beta is two days later.

I have to say that I feel like everything was done perfectly and if this doesn't work, I'm not sure it ever will. I mean a 6aa and a 5ab that responded wonderfully to a thaw. It doesn't seem to get more ideal. Most importantly they are genetically normal. Stick litle embryos, stick!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

My Quest for Stat Blood Work

You would think that I live in a small tiny village somewhere - where there isn't a hospital or a lab near by. I mean how hard is it to run progesterone stat? Apparently, too difficult for Quest. Quest is no longer running progesterone stat. I am 100% sure that they have run it for me before, but I guess it's their new policy. I argued with them and told them they had run it before and it should work. I even asked them if they could just put it in that little red bag and run it stat just this once. Finally, a worker said that it would be run stat and my doctor's office would get results a today. I half believed her.

Anyway it turns out that Quest called CCRM and said that they won't have the results tomorrow. CCRM said no big deal. I was hoping I wouldn't have to scramble to another lab and get a draw done tomorrow before I leave.

So tomorrow I am off. I haven't found out when my transfer time is, but I should hear from them in a few hours. I can't believe it is so soon!

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Traveling to Colorado with Dad

On Wednesday my dad and I leave for Colorado for my FET. Yes, I said my dad - not my husband or mom. Since my FET got rearranged Dad was the one with the week off this week, so it made the most since for him to come. My husband just got a promotion at work and it would be stressful for him to leave, and my mom has a big Thanksgiving breakfast in her classroom. I'm actually looking forward to spending time with my dad. I am an only child, and we have always been very close. He is wonderful with kids, and I am honestly hoping this works for my parents almost as much as I am hoping it works for my husband and me. I am my parents only hope for a grandchild -not that they have ever said that or ever applied pressure. They have been wonderfully supportive and understanding. I just feel like if two people deserve to be grandparents it's my parents.

Instead of dropping me off for school like when I was a kid, my dad will be dropping me off at CCRM for FET. Is there a parent pick up line for him to wait in? LOL!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

How an Uncooperative Uterine Lining Worked Out for the Best

Sure I had to change plane tickets and pay change fees. Yes, I had to cancel my hotel and now I have a different travel companion. All and all though I am really happy that my transfer got changed. This week has been very hectic at work. If things had gone according to plan, I would be at the airport right now. I'm sure I would have felt stressed because of my week. Instead I am at home typing this blog. And I have to say, I am glad to be here. Next week is not at all hectic, and I will be in a much more peaceful state. I think it will be better.

So today my lining was 8.3 and triple stripe. I've had better, but good enough for CCRM so I'll go with it. On Saturday I will start 5 trillion medications including the following: prometrium, tetracycline, medrol, prednisone, pepcid, and claritin. I will continue the Vivelle patches (4 a day), baby asprin and the estrace. It seems like a bunch to me. I'm not a fan of the estrace. It's so strange that a tablet is inserted vaginally. Oh well, I know there is a purpose for all of it.

So next Wednesday at this time, I will be in the air heading to Colorado. I can't believe it's almost time!

Saturday, November 6, 2010

A Tale of a Day with a Disappointing Uterus

If you can't tell by the title of this post, my uterus and I have had a falling out once again. She is one disappointing body part! My friend said maybe I should think of a name for her, but right now none of them are very nice so I'll postpone the naming process. So first thing yesterday I had my blood draw and ultrasound. I am waiting for the measurement and it comes in at a disappointing 7.1. The RE says things look good and it looks like I will be ready in two more days. I'm thinking I need it to be ready today not two stinkin days from now. So I frantically email CCRM telling them of my news and asking them what it means for my cycle. Of course I am on eastern time, so I usually have to wait until about 10:00 or 11:00 to get a response back. The response I get is we have to wait for your e2 but your ultrasound report is already here. So at 3:00 I send another email making sure they had received the blood work results because the local RE office was closing early and was having the lab send the results directly to CCRM. They respond back that yes they have received my results but had to talk to the doctor.

So it's now 6:30 and I have driven downtown to meet my husband for a nice quiet dinner. I'm kind of in an irritated mood at this point because I see the writing on the wall. What's going on downtown you might ask: a big noisy festival. The restaurants are packed. This would have been something I would love, but I am in a cranky mood and I don't want the noise, people, art, etc. I just want my stupid phone call from CCRM announcing my fate.

So at 7:00 as we have gone from restaurant to restaurant finding out they are packed and have long waits I get the phone call. My cycle is being delayed by a week. My e2 was 620 but the lining was not acceptable. So I have to have another ultrasound on Wednesday and if things look good, I will go the following week on Wednesday or Thursday. The nurse was very nice. I told here that I wasn't surprised. During my mock cycle my lining was 8 and I had said don't I need to be on additional medication because that seems low. Oh no I was told. 8 is perfect. I'm still puzzled as to why I did the mock cycle because it didn't really seem to teach us anything because we ran the exact same play. Oh well.

So now its around 7:45 and I still haven't had dinner. I am now at CVS trying to get my estrace filled to plump up the lining. Well the pharmacist is clearly confused as to why I am taking this pill vaginally. I try to explain to her why, but she needs to talk to CCRM. So I have to call the answering service and have them call the back line. Finally, she understands and starts to fill the prescription, but then she realizes that she only has generic. I know that CCRM is strict on branded, so I am hesitant as to what to do. I have her call another pharmacy that is open 24 hours and secure it there.

It's now 8:30 and I am home. I decide to make myself some noodles for dinner because I still haven't eaten. Running guy stopped by a drive thru on the way home due to our downtown fiasco and I was being difficult and didn't want anything from a drive thru hence why I am eating noodles.

Now it's 9:30 and running guy and I are heading to the 24 hour pharmacy. On the way I tell my mom that we are officially no longer going to Denver, so she can cancel the substitute she had lined up for her class. We finally get home around 10:15 and I take my estrace and go to bed.

The good news in this story is that I still get to go as long as things look good on Wednesday. Also, we are getting my lining at a prime measurement which I know is very important. The bad news is changing my plane tickets is not cheap and airfares are more expensive the following week and my mom can't come with me the following week.

Today is a new day though. I am not going to let my circumstances effect my mood. I am going to enjoy my Saturday and have a wonderful weekend!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Dear Uterus,

Hello! I hope you are doing fine. I just wanted to send you a quick note to ask you to please not fail me tomorrow at the lining check. I want you to be triple stripe and at least an 8. So far you haven't been a very good friend to me. The least you can do for me tomorrow is to be the correct thickness. You know that I have purchased my plane tickets already and that your lack of cooperation will turn my plans upside down.

In addition, it would be fantastic if you could not be so hostile once my embryos are placed inside of you. I learned the term hostile uterus from Grey's Anatomy and decided that you are indeed hostile. I'm not sure what you have been doing in the past, but it needs to change. I have the feeling that I am putting perfectly wonderful embryos inside of you, and you are just not doing what you are supposed to do and it's really getting on my last nerve.

Sorry that I had to be so direct, but I need different results. Looking forward to a wonderful report from you tomorrow morning.



Monday, November 1, 2010

Being Pollyanna

Remember that good old Disney movie Pollyanna about the little girl who was always positive and bringing sunshine to negative situations. Even when she was severely injured (I think she fell off a house or something), she remained positive and hopeful. I think that I started out this process as Pollyanna, but after ivf failure #1 I became increasingly more pessimistic. It just seemed like my odds were against me and nothing was working. It's also easier to be Negative Nancy than Pollyanna because then you don't have your hopes up as much.

I am making a concerted effort this go round to be more Pollyanna like. It isn't going to do me any good to be negative. It's really a hard balance though. I don't feel like I can totally buy into things because then I will be beyond disappointed if it doesn't work. At the same time, I need to be positive in order to create a more welcoming environment for the embryos.

So for these next three weeks, I am going to channel Pollyanna. I'm sure I'm going to fall off the Pollyanna wagon along the way, but at least it's better than being Negative Nancy.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Running on the Treadmill

Running on a treadmill to me is absolute torture. It's boring. You just run and don't get anywhere. I avoid it like the plague. I will run outside in the scorching Florida heat or even in a rain storm (as long as there is no lightning) to avoid the dreadmill.

Today I ran into a girl who kind of works for the same company I do who I hadn't seen since January. We ran into each other last December in our local REs office and discovered that we were both doing an ivf cycle that month. Then in January when I ran into her she told me she was pregnant but worried because she has a history of miscarriages. Well I ran into her today and shortly after we had spoken she another miscarriage. Like me she has been trying all sorts of different things, and we both have ended up with the same results. As we were talking we realized that we were going to have FETs the exact same week. What are the odds. We are both hoping the BFPs this time!

Running into her reminded me of a treadmill. Both of us have been trying to have a baby, but we are not getting anywhere. The treadmill keeps us running and running but we are stuck in the same spot. Essentially we are both in the same spot we were in last December. Sure we have learned a great deal of info about the female reproductive system and got to see various parts of the country, but I could do without all that for a baby. So two weeks from today, both of us will have had our transfer. My hope is the next time we run into each other we are able to share the happy story of how we are both pregnant. Get me off this stinkin treadmill!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

I Hate the Swim

A triathlon is divided into three parts: the swim, the bike, and the run. The swim comes first and I have to say that I am always petrified. Running guy is always amazed at how quite I get before the swim - usually I'm high energy and excitable. It is during the swim that potentially I could die by either drowning or being eaten by an alligator or shark. Plus, I'm not the best of swimmers. In fact, I am usually towards the last in my age group to get out of the water. I am always happy when it is over but never usually happy with my swimming results. Even though I don't like the swim, I have to do the swim in order to get to the parts of the race I like: the bike and run.

I feel like I am now getting ready to enter the swim of infertility journey. The transfer is usually when my cycle falls a part. I produce lots of eggs, get a decent # to blasts, but when it comes time to transfer I usually drown or get eaten by a sea creature (aka BFN). I really can't do anything differently either. I'm just hoping my uterus is a little more receptive this time than in past cycles.

So if my lining and blood work looks good, I will be flying out to Denver two weeks from today! Very exciting and scary, it's kind of like I'm at the starting line and I don't want to get in the water, but I know I have to because if I don't I won't get to bike and run and finish the race. If I make it to the finish line in this race, I will be the happiest girl in the world.

Monday, October 18, 2010

A Little ReaSurreyance

So I had my regroup with Dr Surrey today and feel much better. I so appreciate the way he handles tough questions and doesnt provide false hope. Anyway, he says he thinks that we should stick with the plan and give this fet a shot. If it doesn't work at all, we can squeeze another retrieval in before year end, while I still have benefits. It won't be an ideal protocol but at least I would have a few more embryos if need be. I just worry because I went through twelve in 8 months with no bfp.

On another positive note my mom is going to come with me for my fet. I think it will be nice to have here along!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Cool as a Cucumber No More

When I played high school volleyball, i would get jittery before the game and during the first few plays. When I started running a few years ago, I was surprised by how calm I was before a race. I was even calm when i was trying to qualify for Boston. Sure I had my doubts at times, but I was able to control it. At the Boston Marathon i was not calm. I was super jittery because i knew that I hadn't trained for it or ever run hills. I knew that my time would be horrible, and it was. It was a weird feeling, and it took some of the enjoyment out of it.

Throughout this infertility marathon I have been really calm. I have been very matter of fact and solution oriented throughout this ordeal Sure i want a baby and it can't happen fast enough, but i thought eventually its going to happen. Then last week when i found out my benefits changed for next year I suddenly went from cucumber cool to cucumber clammy. I also got my ccs results which were great but cause me concern because such a high percent were normal. I don't like this feeling; I don't like how I am suddenly letting my circumstances dictate my mood. I feel like it's Boston race day but a million times worse.

I have a regroup with Dr Surrey tomorrow to discuss what we can do for the remainder of the year if my fet doesn't work. I don't like having a failure attitude, but when you have been disappointed by results so many times in the past it's hard to think that the next rime will be different.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Benefit Enrollment Time

I think most companies have benefit enrollment for the following year around October. I have been very very very blessed to be employed by a company with a significant amount of infertility coverage. Which is very fortunate for us because we would have been out of the game after failed ivf #1 because of the financial aspect of it. In fact, with all the procedures that I have done I have only spent about half of my benefit. Now for the bad news.... Next year they are cutting our lifetime infertility benefit big time. In fact, it is only 1/3 of what it was in previous years. This news means that I am out of infertility benefit after this year. Again, I am incredibly grateful and realize that I should not be complaining when most people don't have this kind of coverage to begin with, but it came as shocking news.

Running guy and I immediately started to plan what we are going to do if my FET doesn't work. I think I am going to ask CCRM to do a fresh cycle in late November early December if it doesn't work. I doubt they would want to do it so close to a failed FET, but I guarantee some doctor somewhere will be taking my eggs in December if this FET doesn't work. I wouldn't do CCS again. because I think we kind of know what the result would be. Plus insurance doesn't pay for it, and I really can't afford to shell out the cash for that again.

I'm so so hoping it works in November, but I always have to have a back up plan.....

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

CCS - The Results Are In

So one day after complaining that my results were going to take two more weeks to come in, they came in. I had just finished getting a manicure with Opi's new gel polish in one of my fav colors Lincoln Park After Dark and was pulling into a Junior League meeting when I saw the 303 area code flash on my cell. I quickly answered and it was Dr. Surrey on the line telling me he had my results! He asked me if I wanted them and I stammered an uncertain yes. He said that's usually the kind of response he gets. He told me it was really good news so here it is:

CCRM Blasts:
6AA - normal
2 5AB's - normal
4AA - abnormal
3BA - normal
2/3 - no result

SIRM Blasts:
4AB - normal
4BA - no result
2 4BB's - normal

Yes, that is really good news. Technically only one is genetically abnormal. The no results could go either way. I am assuming that at least one of them is normal So here is the bad news. If I produce that many genetically normals this time, one would reason to think that in past IVF cycles there have been a great deal of normals. So then one must ask, "Why didn't I get pregnant?" My lining is normally good, my uterus doesn't seem to have abnormalities, what's the deal? No one really knows. So I hope my transfer works in November, but realistically it seems like why would it work this time?

We will be transferring the 6AA and the 5AB in November. I will be praying that one of them sticks!

Monday, October 11, 2010

Great Expectations

So this week I thought possibly I would get the results back from my CCS tested embryos. However, I didn't want to live the week checking my cell phone wondering and waiting. So I emailed my nurse to ask a clarifying questions last night. Since my embryos were biopsied on two separate days (some were fresh and some were frozen), I thought I would ask when my official two to four week wait would begin. From my calculations two weeks would be today or Wednesday depending on which day they started the count. So I asked my nurse when CCRM considered my two to four week wait to begin. She said my results will be in the October 25-29. That's four weeks and possibly slightly longer! UGH!

Anyway, I am glad I emailed because now I have my expectations in check. I also asked about being put on a cocktail of (prednisone, pepcid, and clarinex) that I have heard some girls have been put on to help with implantation and prevent miscarriage. She is going to ask my doctor and see what he says. I'm hoping that he says yes.

So now with my expectations in check I can live my week without scurrying to check my cell phone for missed calls and messages every minute - now maybe I'll only check it every hour or so; in case the results are early. Lol!

Monday, October 4, 2010

What if........

When I was training for the Disney Marathon, the thought what if I don't qualify for the Boston Marathon often popped in my head. The thought of training again and trying again was too much to handle. I hate the twenty mile run in the marathon training program, and if I had to do it one more time I would scream. Don't get me wrong, I like running but I usually get a little tired of it at some point during the training. If I would have finished Disney and not qualified, I would have been so disappointed. It wouldn't have mattered that I had finished a marathon; it would have only mattered that I didn't meet my goal.

The "what ifs" have been playing in my head these past few weeks since I have been back from Colorado. What if there aren't any genetically normal? What if there are genetically normal ones and it still doesn't work? What if my insurance changes next year and I don't have fertility coverage anymore? What if I never become a mom? What if this doesn't turn out like I want it to?

The "what ifs" have been so tough lately. I think it's because it is getting closer to the real deal. I should know in another week or two how may are genetically normal. I go back to Colorado November 11 for transfer (assuming there are some normals - surely there are out of 11; I hope). But what if.........

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Another Report

So today I got the report from my freezer folks. I shipped 6 blasts from SIRM to CCRM for genetic testing. I found out that two of the six did not make the thaw process. Unfortunately, one of the ones that didn't make it happened to be my best one of the batch. I guess it hatched during the thaw and that kind of messed it up. So of the ones that are left they were graded as follows: 4AB, 4BA and, 2-4BB.

In total I now have 11 that will be genetically tested. Now back to waiting for the results.

Monday, September 27, 2010

It's Not My Best Time, but It's Still Good

Most races that I run I try for a PR (personal record). When i first started running three years ago, it was easy to set a pr at almost every race. I was improving and getting a little faster each time. Then two Thanksgivings ago I ran my fastest 5k ever. I'm still not sure how I did it. I haven't set a 5k pr since then. I honestly think unless i trained super hard I'm really not going to do any better than that. That Thanksgiving morning I peaked.

In the ivf world i think i have hit a plateau. It seems like all of my cycles have very similar outcomes. My first one I had five blasts, the second one six, the third eight, and my most recent at CCRM seven. I was a smidge disappointed because i thought i would pr at CCRM. Don't get me wrong, I feel blessed to have such good results, but i really was hoping for ten. I thought i would have the most at CCRM. I know it's all about quality and not quantity, so maybe these are better quality than my past cycles.

As far as my frozen blasts that I had transferred there, i still don't have the results. They will give them to me on Wednesday. It seems like one of them may be MIA. They said that they would be testing five and i said there are six and they seemed a bit puzzled. So maybe i have a blast hanging out on the Vegas strip. Lol! I'm not worried about it. I'm sure it is just a paperwork error.

So now i wait to see how many of the seven are genetically normal. It can take 2-4 weeks to get the results. The grades of the embryos are as follows: 1-6aa, 2-5ab, 1-4aa, 1-4bb, 1-3ba, and one 2/3 (not quite mature enough to have a grade). I'm so hoping I have some normals.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Small Town Success.

In my local town, I am a pretty decent runner. Usually, when I am in shape and not ten pounds heavier from fertility drugs, I'll place in the top three in my age group. Now if I were to live in a bigger town, I probably would not fair quite as well.

CCRM is the big town and I'm hoping that in the big town my blasts are just as good as I have been told they were in the small town. In addition to how many ever made it to blasts at CCRM, they will also be thawing, biopsying, and vitrifying my blasts from Vegas. In Vegas they graded them as 1 grade 1 and 5 grade 2. Grade one is the best but grade two is still decent quality. I am so curious to find out how CCRM grades them. I wonder if they will even think they are the same quality. I guess I will find out tomorrow.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

My Game Day Report

So while I was in the air heading back to Florida, CCRM called and left me a message. Out of my 26 that were retrieved, 23 were mature and 20 fertilized. I was very happy with the report. The most I have ever had in previous cycles mature and fertilize was 16. Monday I will get my day 5/6 report. I"m hoping that 8-10 make it to day 5/6.

Tomorrow it's back work. We had such a nice vacation. I hate for it to end!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Tips for Fellow CCRM Gals

I wanted to pass on this info before it slipped my mind. I always appreciate tips and suggestions that I get from other people's blogs or message board so here it goes:

Flights : Don't book a return flight home. You really have no idea when you are going to go home. I only had to pay about $20 more a ticket by booking them the day of my trigger shot. That's much cheaper than having to pay change fees and price increases. Kayak.com is a great web page that let's you compare flights from various airlines.

Rental Cars: They are expensive. Make sure you ask about charges such as an additional driver and fees for the toll pass. I didn't ask those questions and ended up costing us an additional $100. Also, know that when Thrifty offers you a mystery car that mystery car could be a minivan. It's very hard to get them to change their mind about the minivan - but doable if you are persistent and dramatic.

Lodging - For my first two nights I stayed at Marriott Townplace. It was okay, Clean but very basic with only queen size beds I really only suggest staying there if you have reward points because it only costs 7500 points a night which is a super small amount of points. Once running guy got here we moved to Element which I strongly recommend. It is very comfortable and convenient to many things. We stayed in a one bedroom which also made it nice. Make sure to stay ask for the SkyRidge medical rate. Also, check the web site for various deals. For my first four nights, I got a deal that was buy a night get the next one half off. I used the SkyRidge rate for the last two nights In addition, you get free continental breakfast and Monday-Thursday there is a happy hour and snacks.

Day Trips - Vail, Keystone, and Breckenridge are about 1 hour and 40 minutes away. We went up on the ski lift and explored Vail (pictured above). They also had a precious farmer's market at Vail. We also went to Boulder which is about 40 minutes away and explored the town. It's very cute. We also explored Pikes Peak (pictured above) and the Garden of the God's (pictured above) which are in Colorado Springs.

Parks - There is a little park right down the road from Element called Sweetwater Park. It is fun to walk around and get a little exercise there.

Activities : We enjoyed the Denver Zoo (pictured above) -warning if lots of strollers and babies are a trigger for you don't go. It was very reasonably priced. We also explored Coors Field and Invesco Field - they have tours - but we didn't take one. The Park Meadow Mall around Lone Tree was very nice. I hear the Cherry Park mall is also very nice with lots of upscale stores. I also enjoyed going to the movie theater. On Tuesdays movies are only $5 and popcorn is only $1 if you are a Regal Club Member.

Restaurants: Lone Tree has many chains. We really didn't eat at any unique places in Lone Tree, but there are plenty of chains to dine at. In Denver we ate lunch at a place called D Bar Dessert that someone on a a message board had recommended to me (near the Zoo). It was a really good with great desserts and lunch items. Also, in Boulder Mustard's Last Stand (recommended to me by someone on a board) was a tasty little hotdog joint. We ate at a place called La Sandia (I think) at the Park Meadows mall and it was decent.

Relaxation - I had a great morning at the spa one day complete with a pedicure, massage, and facial. I went to Woodhouse Day Spa which is across from the movie theater. They did a really nice job. I got a manicure at a little nail place inside the Panera Bread plaza and it was very reasonably priced. Also, it was very relaxing to just chill out outside at Starbucks or spend some time reading a book outside.

CCRM Day 7 - Game Day Results

When I was running the Disney Marathon and trying to qualify for the Boston Marathon, I wasn't sure if I had qualified until about an hour or so after the race. The race time clock starts when the first corral goes out, and I wasn't in the first corral. Also, I started my watch too early, so when I crossed the line I knew that I was close, but not 100% sure I qualified. I found out that I had just squeaked by with a time of 3:39:54. My qualifying needed to be 3:40 or better with a 59 second grace period.

That's a little bit how I feel about today's egg retrieval. I kind of know my results, but I won't know anything firm until tomorrow. Dr. G did my retrieval and he got 26 eggs. That's my most ever. From past experience though, I know that regardless the amount that's retrieved usually only 15 or 16 are mature and usually almost all of them fertilize. Hopefully, I will get at least 15 or 16 and then half will make it to blasts and then half will be genetically normal.

CCRM is so professional. I was so impressed with how smoothly things ran. We were there from 10:00-12:30 and every t was crossed and every i was dotted. Running guy headed back this afternoon and I head back in the morning. Looking forward to hearing my game day results tomorrow.

Monday, September 20, 2010

CCRM Day 6 - Last Day Before Trigger

I really appreciate corm's thoroughness. Today i went in for blood work and it turns out that in addition to testing my progesterone and e2 they were also making sure that I had an adequate amount of hcg in my system. It makes me feel good that they verified that i gave myself the shot correctly. The shot was no big deal. Kind of like when i had to give myself the progesterone in oil for the last cycle.

We went to the Denver Zoo today and had a great time. For lunch we ate at this place called D Bar Dessert. It was really good and not too far from the zoo.

Tomorrow is retrieval day. I spoke with the anesthesiologist and she seems great. Hoping i get a good amount of great eggs tomorrow!

CCRM Day 5 - Trigger Time

I am really surprised that trigger time is the title of this posting because as of this morning the ultrasound lady thought I had one more day left of stims. However, I received notification around noon that I should take my final dose of Gonal F this evening and then at midnight do my trigger shot. There is really no telling how many eggs they are going to retrieve. I think at various points in this cycle I have had 13-24 which is quite a range. I am trusting the process though. I haven't asked even once about my e2 levels. It really is liberating not to worry about anything. Just for giggles today I asked about my uterine lining. It was a nine. Perfect if I were doing a fresh transfer.

So my retrieval is scheduled for 11:00 am on Tuesday. I have to be there at 10:00. It was good to find out when I was going to trigger because we wanted to book our plane tickets home, and every day you wait you risk a price increase.

Today we went to Vail. It was beautiful. I'll try to post some pictures - I'm not sure if I am skilled enough to add pictures to a blog - LOL! It was the last day the lifts were open for the summer season. There were so many things (horseback riding, hiking, mountain biking, et) I wanted to do there, but I didn't think CCRM would recommend them right now. We will have to go back again when my ovaries aren't aching.

So I have about an hour left before I can trigger. I am really tired and ready for bed, but I have to try and stay awake for just a little while longer!

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Day 4 at CCRM - Running Guy's Big Day

I had another ultrasound and blood work today. Again, I am staying on the same amount of medication. I might trigger tomorrow night. It looks like there will be about 13-15 mature eggs and 5-6 immature eggs. That's about the same from my previous cycles. It doesn't matter how many i produce usually only 15 or 16 are mature.

So after my appointment, running guy got to have a big day. We loves football- he played all through middle and high school and for some of college. Plus his dad was the local high school football coach, so he basiically grew up on the football field. Needless to say, he loves to see football field stadiums. So while we explored Boulder we also got to see Colorado Universities stadium. On our way back to Lone Tree, we stopped by Invesco Field and Coors Field. He was like a kid in a candy store. It was fun seeing him have so much fun!

Friday, September 17, 2010

Day 3 at CCRM- Appointments and Exploring

Exhausted. That's how I will describe how I feel. As usual,running guy and I hit the ground running (no pun intended) and are both getting ready to go to bed because we had such an action packed day. To start with, we had our appoinments this morning. It looks like 20-22 follicles now measuring between 14-18. My physical was fine and running guy did his back up sample. We are doing the ccs testing, so we had to meet with the genetic counselor. She was very nice, but she went into so much detail on the science part of everything. We both make quick decisions and aren't very detail oriented, so the appointment was a bit long for two people who wanted to get to sight seeing.

Which brings me to our sight seeing. We headed to Colorado Springs and went to Garden of the Gods (a bunch of different red rock structures) and Pikes Peak. Both are worth seeing. Colorado Springs is about 45 min from Lone Tree. Needless to say, we got back to the hotel around six and then got ready for dinner.

I go back tomorrow for another ultrasound and blood work. Hopefully, they might know when I will trigger because i would like to book our return trip home. Also, ccrm forgot to call me and tell me what dose to to take for tonight and the morning. I had to call the after-hours line and have the nurse on call call me back. If they don't call by 630 that means they have forgotten about you and you need to call them. It has been their first mess up, so Its no big deal. Tomorrow we are heading to Boulder to explore the city and we want to go to the Newton store (the brand of running shoes we run in) which is located in Boulder.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Day 2 at CCRM - a day of relaxation

So I'm back at Starbucks again, sitting in the same seat on the patio and enjoying my delicious white mocha. Today has been a morning of pure relaxation. I spent the morning at the Woodhouse Day Spa and got a massage, facial, and pedi. It was a very nice way to start the day. No doctors appointments today. They kept my medication the same. I'm still taking one vial of menopur, 5 units of lupron, and 150 of Gonal F. I'm hoping tomorrow they give me an idea of when I trigger.

Running guy gets here in a few hours. I'm looking forward to his arrival. I'm going to be so jealous that he gets to run out here. The weather is so awesome. I so want to run, but ccrm says no running when stimming. Yesterday I went for a walk and it was so hard not to run because the weather was perfect, unlike the sweltering heat in Florida that i am used to running in. Speaking of running, I found the most precious running skirt, something I said i would never wear, at the mall yesterday at this store called lulumon or something like that. It's pink plaid and so precious! I can't wait to wear it.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Day 1 at CCRM

I'm here in beautiful Lone Tree, CO enjoying a delicious decaf iced white mocha outside at Starbucks. My travel here last night was uneventful. The only small snafu was when Thrifty tried to put me in a minivan. I had selected the mystery car and the minivan was the mystery car for the day. It wasn't happening. I requested a manager and ended up in a midsize suv. Much better.

My report from ccrm this morning was good. I have 22-24 follicles. This is a few more than normal. In previous cycles I have been anywhere from 15-21. The ultrasound tech was surprised by the amount and asked me if I had PCOS. I told here I didn't this is just my normal amount. They range in size from 8- 12. I'm hoping that some of them are genetically normal. That is really the only explanation that we have for why this doesn't work for us. Every doctor we go to thinks it should have already happened by now. In addition to the embryos we have at the end of this cycle, they are also going to test my six frozen embryos from Las Vegas. I would like 2-6 to be genetically normal in total. We shall see....

So my impression of ccrm after day 1? Really good. I'm so glad I am out here and chose to cycle here. Running guy gets here tomorrow, so I guess today I'll go shopping. Hopefully, i won't do too much damage! Lol!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Missing Race Day Sign Ups - An Infertility Analogy

For months your friend have been getting ready to run in the marathon (have a baby). They have been training together. They have their perfect race day outfit picked out. They are jazzed and excited about what it coming up. They wish that you could join them. They want you to be a part, but you can't because for some reason you missed the race day sign up. You can't quite fathom it yourself. You were sitting at your computer and tried to register just like all of them did, but for some reason it worked for them and when you hit the registration button the race was full. What baffles you even more is the fact that your one friend who didn't even want to run a marathon logged onto the computer and registered with no problem. You have been running longer than all of your friends, but for some reason you never actually get to compete in the marathon.

It's marathon day, so like a good friend you go and support them. They are excited and you are so excited for them, but you wish that you could run the marathon with them. You know you could run it; if someone would just give you the chance. As you sit there taking pictures you notice there are runners who aren't even trying. Some are quitting; they don't care about being in the race. You think to yourself I wish I could have their spot in this race because I would care and try and give it my all. But alas, you are stuck on the sidelines because for some reason your race registration didn't go through. Other people had no problem registering, but you did.

Now the race is over and your friends are glad that you are there to celebrate. They are encouraging telling you that next time you will get to run with them. You all go to dinner and your friend have on their medals (baby). Several other people are wearing their medals in the restaurant. Everyone is talking about the race and there you sit without a medal because for some reason your stupid internet didn't work. You are going to try to sign up again for the next marathon, but this time you are using a high speed connection (CCRM). Hopefully, that will do the trick.

So I head to CCRM on Tuesday. I'm hoping that CCRM is my high speed internet connection. I am so happy for the people around me who get pregnant and are enjoying their children. I really haven't felt bitterness toward them, but I want to join them in the marathon and get off the sidelines. I am very blessed to have friends who also want me to get off the sidelines and are praying for me and are so encouraging to me during my infertility marathon.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Advice from the Non Runner

As humans we like to give advice and share little tidbits of information that we pick up. People who don't run often give me pieces of advice like: 1. Doing all that running you are going to need to surgery on your knees (a possibility but highly unlikely) 2. You really shouldn't run outside while its hot (Great idea - I'll stay inside on the treadmill and then have a heat stroke in a race when it's super hot outside). I could go on and on....

With infertility well meaning people also give advice and offer solutions because after all they know someone who knows someone that had to take Clomid once and that makes them an expert on the subject. Here are a few of my favorites: 1. If you could just relax, you would get pregnant. (Really? That's all I need to do? Thank you so much! So when will I magically start ovulating once I relax seeing that I have never ovulated on my own). 2. Have you thought about adoption? (Adoption? What is adoption? No, I have never thought about it; could you please familiarize me with the term? Thank you so much for telling me about it. Until this very instance that you suggested it, I had never thought of it) 3. It's going to happen when you aren't even trying. (Really? So just stop trying and I will magically ovulate and then I will be pregnant?) 4. Maybe you should just stop trying. (Thanks so much for that encouragement). I could go on and on....

I could get really frustrated with people and hurt when they say things that seem insensitive to someone dealing with infertiility, but I honestly think that most people don't give advice with the intent to hurt someone. One of my favorite books is To Kill a Mockingbird. One of the themes in the book is you really can't understand what a person is going through unless you get in their skin and see things from their point of view. So when people say things that seem insensitive, I try to get in their skin and understand what their intentions are. In this uncontrollable thing called infertility, it's nice to know there is something that I can control - my actions and reactions to others.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Gear Girl - Funded by the DINK Life

When we go to a triathlon or marathon, they always have expos where there is all this fun stuff to buy. I love shopping. In fact, it is probably my favorite hobby - if shopping can be considered to be a hobby. Anyway, I have earned the name of gear girl because at these expos I tend to buy my fair share of merchandise. My motto is if your not going to win at least look good while doing the event. My signature color is pink - even my bike and tennis shoes are pink. My husband - who hates spending money - even gets in the spending spirit at these expos. We are able to go a little crazy at the expos because we are DINKS.

The DINK life really isn't bad from a financial perspective. We are by no means wealthy, but we are blessed to live a comfortable life. Although after we pay CCRM our portion of the bill, we will see how comfortable life is :) Sometimes my girlfriends say just wait until you have kids and then things will change with shopping, etc. I always laugh and say that's right I will be shopping for myself and the baby!

I'm ready to trade the DINK life in for the DITK (dual income two kid) life. Hopefully, in the next few months we will see that become a reality. I still wouldn't mind being know as gear girl but maybe we could change it to baby gear girl! LOL!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Midway Into the Training Plan

When I was training for the Disney Marathon and was about five weeks out from race day, I got really annoyed. Running was no longer fun. It was just something, I knew I had to do, or I wouldn't make my goal of qualifying for the Boston Marathon with my Disney Marathon time. That would mean I would fall short of my goal and possibly have to run another marathon a few weeks later to try and qualify again. I really wanted to run in the Boston Marathon, but I was so sick of training. I knew that I had to push on despite my desire to quit and give up because if I didn't I wouldn't accomplish my goal.

These past few weeks have kind of reminded me of being five weeks out from race day. I'm doing everything I need to do (taking bcp, starting lupron, etc.) but it still feels kind of far away. I'm kind of over it. I want the baby, but I am tired of waiting around and doing the training. Plus in this race isn't doesn't matter how hard I try, push, or will it it's totally out of my control. It's tough.

My training plan is going fine though. The lupron is making me super thirsty, but no headaches or anything like that. In a little over a week, I start taking my real meds and then I will feel like race day is approaching, and I will be in a different frame of mind.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

My CCRM 5 Week Training Plan

When I sign up for a marathon or a triathlon, I always use a training plan. My training plan lets me know what to do each and every day. Usually, I train 4-5 days out of the week with the longest training day being Saturday. Because I have many other interests outside of running, my motto is to do as little as possible and try to get the best results possible. I usually end up barely making my goal because of this motto, but I'm ok with that.

Usually for a marathon, I use a 14-18 week training plan. On Saturday I get to begin my CCRM training plan. Thanks goodness it isn't 14-18 weeks. Instead it is about 5 weeks. My CCRM calendar reminds me of my training plans because each and every day I have something I have to do. On Saturday I start my bcp and on Sunday running_guy starts his antibiotics. Then at the end of August I start Lupron. September 14th I leave for Denver.

It's nice to see how everything is starting to fall into place. On Saturday I will officially be on my way!

Monday, August 9, 2010

A Vivid Imagination - A Helpful Tool for an Integrin Biopsy

I've always had a vivid imagination. As a student I would always get high marks on creative writing assignments because of my creativity and imagination. On the flip side my vivid imagination has also caused me some trouble. One time as a preteen when I was home alone babysitting my cousins, I thought that the man at the door was trying to break in the house to kill me when in fact it was the florist trying to deliver flowers to my mom for Valentines Day (it was really late and dark and I couldn't see the flowers). I called the neighbor and the poor florist got screamed at by the neighbor to stop harassing us and that's when I discovered that my imagination had run wild. Embarrassing that I was so close to calling the cops on the florist.

Anyway, today I had my integrin biopsy (basically a test that evaluates the uterine lining to see if it's missing something - why implantation isn't happening). I had heard from several girls on a message board that it was an extremely horrible test pain wise. I'm so thankful for people who don't candy coat things. So in my mind I imagined it as the most horrific, painful procedure that I was ever going to have. I envisioned a giant Captain Hook like tool entering my uterus and scooping out a chunk of it and putting it into a container. It was a painful procedure but the pain only lasted for ten seconds. My obgyn had me count to ten where I flopped around like a fish on the table because of the cramping and then it was over. My ob used a small tool (not a hook), and she was great. Do I ever want to have it done again. No! But I am so glad that I was mentally prepared for it.

So now I get to wait for AF to start, so I can begin my birth control pills and get started with my cycle. I am one step closer to the prize!

Friday, August 6, 2010

Signing up for the CCRM Marathon

As a runner/triathlete I always enjoy researching and thinking about what races I will sign up for in the future. I usually read information about it online or talk to people who have done the race and get the 411. That's the same way I signed up for CCRM. I was so impressed by CCRMs statistics and the success stories that have come out of there. If you are ever researching CCRM, make sure to check out the CCRM board on ivf forums. All of the success stories give me so much hope and make me think that I am in the right place.

When I sign up for a marathon, I am usually nervous, excited, and have a sense of dread (I hate long run training days). I have to honestly say that I felt the same way when I signed up for CCRM. I'm nervous because I don't know how it's all going to unfold and if it's going to work. I'm excited because I really feel like I'm going to get pregnant. I'm also dreading it because we are putting so much into this and if we don't get pregnant, it will be a tough pill to swallow.

During the marathon I really feel an array of feelings. At the beginning I'm excited and ready to go (this is going to be fun). A few miles in I think wow I feel good; I could do this forever. Half way in I think to myself this is ok, but I'm ready for it to be over. By mile 16 I am questioning, why I signed up for it. What kind of idiot runs this far! Make the pain stop! Mile 21 I really don't have any thoughts I just want it to be over and vow that this is my last marathon. Mile 25 I think wow this is really awesome I'm almost done. Then at the finish line I'm so happy that it's done. I'm exhausted, but I have my medal, and I just ran a marathon. I start thinking about the next one I'm going to sign up...

My infertility marathon has been exactly like that. I have felt almost identical emotions during my ivf cycles. The only problem is I have yet to collect a medal (have a baby). Each and every time I get close to the goal, but for some reason it doesn't quite happen. I'm hoping at my CCRM Marathon I have a PR (personal record) and get the most precious prize..... my baby.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

My Blog Begins

Ten years ago I would have never imagined that I would start a blog (were there even blogs ten years ago), run a marathon, or be childless. But look at me now, I have a blog - a pretty big deal for someone who is a very private person - although this is anonymous so I'm not sure this is a really big step. I've completed 3 half marathons and 3 full marathons - shocking to most people considering my cross country adventure in sixth grade did not turn out so hot and I hated long distance running. And the childless thing - probably the most shocking - who would think after ten years of marriage I would still not have a precious child.

Here I am though, making my very first post on my blog. Next month I travel to CCRM to start IVF #4 to work on the childless thing. I'm hoping and praying that CCRM does the trick. CCRM has a magical lab. They work miracles where miracles have not been worked before. I am totally drunk on the CCRM Kool -AId - which makes me a little bit nervous because if it doesn't work I will be devastated! The other clinics I've been to have been good, but I never got my hopes up - except for IVF #1. When IVF #1 didn't work, I really never got my hopes too high again.

My husband and I are special cases. He has no issues whatsoever. I don't ovulate on my own, but I ovulate just fine when given fertility drugs. I have hypothyroidism (super weird since I have always been a pound or two underweight) but am on medication for it. One doctor said that I had natural killer cells (I'm not sure if this is real or not). Other than that, I'm fine. We produce lots of nice embryos that look fantastic, and then they just don't stick! So frustrating! I'm hoping that next month is different and my cycle in Colorado turn out differently.