Running on the Treadmill

Running on a treadmill to me is absolute torture. It's boring. You just run and don't get anywhere. I avoid it like the plague. I will run outside in the scorching Florida heat or even in a rain storm (as long as there is no lightning) to avoid the dreadmill.

Today I ran into a girl who kind of works for the same company I do who I hadn't seen since January. We ran into each other last December in our local REs office and discovered that we were both doing an ivf cycle that month. Then in January when I ran into her she told me she was pregnant but worried because she has a history of miscarriages. Well I ran into her today and shortly after we had spoken she another miscarriage. Like me she has been trying all sorts of different things, and we both have ended up with the same results. As we were talking we realized that we were going to have FETs the exact same week. What are the odds. We are both hoping the BFPs this time!

Running into her reminded me of a treadmill. Both of us have been trying to have a baby, but we are not getting anywhere. The treadmill keeps us running and running but we are stuck in the same spot. Essentially we are both in the same spot we were in last December. Sure we have learned a great deal of info about the female reproductive system and got to see various parts of the country, but I could do without all that for a baby. So two weeks from today, both of us will have had our transfer. My hope is the next time we run into each other we are able to share the happy story of how we are both pregnant. Get me off this stinkin treadmill!

I Hate the Swim

A triathlon is divided into three parts: the swim, the bike, and the run. The swim comes first and I have to say that I am always petrified. Running guy is always amazed at how quite I get before the swim - usually I'm high energy and excitable. It is during the swim that potentially I could die by either drowning or being eaten by an alligator or shark. Plus, I'm not the best of swimmers. In fact, I am usually towards the last in my age group to get out of the water. I am always happy when it is over but never usually happy with my swimming results. Even though I don't like the swim, I have to do the swim in order to get to the parts of the race I like: the bike and run.

I feel like I am now getting ready to enter the swim of infertility journey. The transfer is usually when my cycle falls a part. I produce lots of eggs, get a decent # to blasts, but when it comes time to transfer I usually drown or get eaten by a sea creature (aka BFN). I really can't do anything differently either. I'm just hoping my uterus is a little more receptive this time than in past cycles.

So if my lining and blood work looks good, I will be flying out to Denver two weeks from today! Very exciting and scary, it's kind of like I'm at the starting line and I don't want to get in the water, but I know I have to because if I don't I won't get to bike and run and finish the race. If I make it to the finish line in this race, I will be the happiest girl in the world.

A Little ReaSurreyance

So I had my regroup with Dr Surrey today and feel much better. I so appreciate the way he handles tough questions and doesnt provide false hope. Anyway, he says he thinks that we should stick with the plan and give this fet a shot. If it doesn't work at all, we can squeeze another retrieval in before year end, while I still have benefits. It won't be an ideal protocol but at least I would have a few more embryos if need be. I just worry because I went through twelve in 8 months with no bfp.

On another positive note my mom is going to come with me for my fet. I think it will be nice to have here along!

Cool as a Cucumber No More

When I played high school volleyball, i would get jittery before the game and during the first few plays. When I started running a few years ago, I was surprised by how calm I was before a race. I was even calm when i was trying to qualify for Boston. Sure I had my doubts at times, but I was able to control it. At the Boston Marathon i was not calm. I was super jittery because i knew that I hadn't trained for it or ever run hills. I knew that my time would be horrible, and it was. It was a weird feeling, and it took some of the enjoyment out of it.

Throughout this infertility marathon I have been really calm. I have been very matter of fact and solution oriented throughout this ordeal Sure i want a baby and it can't happen fast enough, but i thought eventually its going to happen. Then last week when i found out my benefits changed for next year I suddenly went from cucumber cool to cucumber clammy. I also got my ccs results which were great but cause me concern because such a high percent were normal. I don't like this feeling; I don't like how I am suddenly letting my circumstances dictate my mood. I feel like it's Boston race day but a million times worse.

I have a regroup with Dr Surrey tomorrow to discuss what we can do for the remainder of the year if my fet doesn't work. I don't like having a failure attitude, but when you have been disappointed by results so many times in the past it's hard to think that the next rime will be different.

Benefit Enrollment Time

I think most companies have benefit enrollment for the following year around October. I have been very very very blessed to be employed by a company with a significant amount of infertility coverage. Which is very fortunate for us because we would have been out of the game after failed ivf #1 because of the financial aspect of it. In fact, with all the procedures that I have done I have only spent about half of my benefit. Now for the bad news.... Next year they are cutting our lifetime infertility benefit big time. In fact, it is only 1/3 of what it was in previous years. This news means that I am out of infertility benefit after this year. Again, I am incredibly grateful and realize that I should not be complaining when most people don't have this kind of coverage to begin with, but it came as shocking news.

Running guy and I immediately started to plan what we are going to do if my FET doesn't work. I think I am going to ask CCRM to do a fresh cycle in late November early December if it doesn't work. I doubt they would want to do it so close to a failed FET, but I guarantee some doctor somewhere will be taking my eggs in December if this FET doesn't work. I wouldn't do CCS again. because I think we kind of know what the result would be. Plus insurance doesn't pay for it, and I really can't afford to shell out the cash for that again.

I'm so so hoping it works in November, but I always have to have a back up plan.....

CCS - The Results Are In

So one day after complaining that my results were going to take two more weeks to come in, they came in. I had just finished getting a manicure with Opi's new gel polish in one of my fav colors Lincoln Park After Dark and was pulling into a Junior League meeting when I saw the 303 area code flash on my cell. I quickly answered and it was Dr. Surrey on the line telling me he had my results! He asked me if I wanted them and I stammered an uncertain yes. He said that's usually the kind of response he gets. He told me it was really good news so here it is:

CCRM Blasts:
6AA - normal
2 5AB's - normal
4AA - abnormal
4BB-normal
3BA - normal
2/3 - no result

SIRM Blasts:
4AB - normal
4BA - no result
2 4BB's - normal

Yes, that is really good news. Technically only one is genetically abnormal. The no results could go either way. I am assuming that at least one of them is normal So here is the bad news. If I produce that many genetically normals this time, one would reason to think that in past IVF cycles there have been a great deal of normals. So then one must ask, "Why didn't I get pregnant?" My lining is normally good, my uterus doesn't seem to have abnormalities, what's the deal? No one really knows. So I hope my transfer works in November, but realistically it seems like why would it work this time?

We will be transferring the 6AA and the 5AB in November. I will be praying that one of them sticks!

Great Expectations

So this week I thought possibly I would get the results back from my CCS tested embryos. However, I didn't want to live the week checking my cell phone wondering and waiting. So I emailed my nurse to ask a clarifying questions last night. Since my embryos were biopsied on two separate days (some were fresh and some were frozen), I thought I would ask when my official two to four week wait would begin. From my calculations two weeks would be today or Wednesday depending on which day they started the count. So I asked my nurse when CCRM considered my two to four week wait to begin. She said my results will be in the October 25-29. That's four weeks and possibly slightly longer! UGH!

Anyway, I am glad I emailed because now I have my expectations in check. I also asked about being put on a cocktail of (prednisone, pepcid, and clarinex) that I have heard some girls have been put on to help with implantation and prevent miscarriage. She is going to ask my doctor and see what he says. I'm hoping that he says yes.

So now with my expectations in check I can live my week without scurrying to check my cell phone for missed calls and messages every minute - now maybe I'll only check it every hour or so; in case the results are early. Lol!

What if........

When I was training for the Disney Marathon, the thought what if I don't qualify for the Boston Marathon often popped in my head. The thought of training again and trying again was too much to handle. I hate the twenty mile run in the marathon training program, and if I had to do it one more time I would scream. Don't get me wrong, I like running but I usually get a little tired of it at some point during the training. If I would have finished Disney and not qualified, I would have been so disappointed. It wouldn't have mattered that I had finished a marathon; it would have only mattered that I didn't meet my goal.

The "what ifs" have been playing in my head these past few weeks since I have been back from Colorado. What if there aren't any genetically normal? What if there are genetically normal ones and it still doesn't work? What if my insurance changes next year and I don't have fertility coverage anymore? What if I never become a mom? What if this doesn't turn out like I want it to?

The "what ifs" have been so tough lately. I think it's because it is getting closer to the real deal. I should know in another week or two how may are genetically normal. I go back to Colorado November 11 for transfer (assuming there are some normals - surely there are out of 11; I hope). But what if.........