Cool as a Cucumber No More

When I played high school volleyball, i would get jittery before the game and during the first few plays. When I started running a few years ago, I was surprised by how calm I was before a race. I was even calm when i was trying to qualify for Boston. Sure I had my doubts at times, but I was able to control it. At the Boston Marathon i was not calm. I was super jittery because i knew that I hadn't trained for it or ever run hills. I knew that my time would be horrible, and it was. It was a weird feeling, and it took some of the enjoyment out of it.

Throughout this infertility marathon I have been really calm. I have been very matter of fact and solution oriented throughout this ordeal Sure i want a baby and it can't happen fast enough, but i thought eventually its going to happen. Then last week when i found out my benefits changed for next year I suddenly went from cucumber cool to cucumber clammy. I also got my ccs results which were great but cause me concern because such a high percent were normal. I don't like this feeling; I don't like how I am suddenly letting my circumstances dictate my mood. I feel like it's Boston race day but a million times worse.

I have a regroup with Dr Surrey tomorrow to discuss what we can do for the remainder of the year if my fet doesn't work. I don't like having a failure attitude, but when you have been disappointed by results so many times in the past it's hard to think that the next rime will be different.